“I think everyone’s a bit bisexual”: identity erasure and biphobia

Within the LGBT*QA community and, of course, within the heterosexual community – because where would we be without cis hets to tell us exactly about sexuality and gender? – there is a growing trend to use the phrase “I think everyone’s a bit bisexual.” And this is troubling.

Bisexual pride flag

On the whole, the people who say this are merely trying to acknowledge that sexuality is fluid. There may well be no clear distinctions between straight and gay. I know many people who identify as gay who have had “indiscretions” with the so-called opposite gender, and even more straight people who have had liaisons with the same gender. I would be the last person to argue that sexuality isn’t fluid – but the statement that all people are “a bit bisexual” is harmful. And why? Because fluidity of sexuality and bisexuality are two separate concepts and are not interchangeable.

By saying that all people are bisexual to one degree or another only erases the identity of people who do identify as bisexual.

This creates the culture in which “We’re all told bisexuality is a phase that everyone goes through and grows out of, and no one’s a ‘proper’ bisexual, even though everyone’s bisexual really,” as Marcus Morgan puts it.

I am bisexual. This is what I identify as, and what has taken me many years to finally lay my finger on and decide on a “label”, on an “identify”. So whilst some people may throw the label away willy-nilly or deny its existence at all, that is only undermining my own experience and my own self actualisation, and the experiences of millions of other people. Whilst it may be nice for straight allies to try to help us poor bi folk out by sympathising with us when we come out, it only negates our struggle for recognition in LGBT*QA communities and in life at large.

There seems to be a disdain for bisexuality found in all walks of life, and is even prevalent within our own communities. (Though it is no secret now that LGBT*QA communities by-and-large favour homosexual cis men and women, excluding trans*, intersex, genderqueer, bisexual, asexual and queer people.) The common thinking I tend to find is that all bisexual men are really gay and all bisexual women are really straight. Of course, it comes as no surprise that the accepted sexuality is whenever the person is with a man – androcentrism pervading even LGBT*QA communities.

Whilst this ignorance from heterosexuals is wearily accepted by bisexual people like myself, it always comes as a nasty shock when I encounter it in supposedly LGBT*QA communities. Indeed, the main reason why I have resorted to identifying as bisexual at all is because of the confusion that identifying as queer caused me. It seems that the concept of gender fluidity might be preached, but not actually taken on board by those who preach it, when queer identities other than gay and lesbian are presented to them.

So what can be done?

Language modification. When someone tells you that they are gay, straight, bisexual – bite your tongue, hold back generalisations, hold back identity erasing attitudes.

• “I think sexuality is fluid.”
• “I have experienced same-sex attraction, even though I identify as straight.”
• “I think sexuality is complex and not black and white.”

Or even better, “That’s great, but it’s none of my damn business to comment on unless you ask me otherwise, and even then I will try not to erase or co-opt your identity as that can create psychological scars and undermine your struggle.”